Geoff the Killer
EXCERPTS FROM LOCAL NEWSPAPERS:
Space Army Blows up Space Castle
By Dave Harland
The space shuttle Nemetez was found abandoned on the moon.
A note reading to blow up a golden castle in space was there, so the military complied.
Sole survivors Joel Botz Was reported saying that “Nothing made any sense and it was stupid.”
Captain Henry Walker was found on the castle, his face altered. Austin Polanski-Wait, wrong paper, sorry.
Marines transported to elder scrolls, have some guy from everyman HYBRID By Troy.
“Trying to get as many words in as possible so I can say I have double the words than the original,” Norris said.
Nine Marines were sent to rescue pilot Gavin Wilson but were transported to the realm of Hircine from the elder scroll, resulting in the deaths of all of them, except Tim Lakeford and Vince Geoffrey Evans.
“This is why video games are evil!” Says stupid idiot Tom Jackson. He then attempted to sue the Hircine for 50 bazillion pounds.
Yeah, as you might be able to tell these jokes just come from random things I’m thinking of at the time of writing.
Evans-Goddamn it, wrong again.
Is third time lucky?
Yes! Here it is.
OMINOUS KILLER STILL AT LARGE
By GEORGE BENNINGS
A killer who has been killing residents of Dave village has been sighted by some little Kid who we’re not bothering to name.
Let’s call him Timmy.
“Well, I woke up due to a dream, and I saw a face in the window. Like any other person, I stayed still and didn’t try to escape. Then he said something that only an insane person could say: “Go to sleep.” – Timmy
[Editors Note] Wait, no, anyone could say that. That made no sense.
Then my Dad came into the room, and a neighbor who apparently has x-ray vision called the police. Then he buggered off again.” -Timmy
Police are currently baffled as to who this might be. The only clues are the fact that the first killings were of Geoff Anderson’s family, on the night he disappeared and was never seen again, shortly after he was acting insane, and his fingerprints were all over all three bodies.
Also, he perfectly matches the descriptions of the killer. I guess we’ll never know.
Geoff had just moved into his new house, and they went to see the neighbors.
[Editors Note] As far as I can tell Geoff lived with his mom, dad, and brother, and then Geoff’s mom went to introduce the family to the neighbor.
“I’m Margret, this is my husband Peter, and these are my sons, Geoff and Liu.” Said Geoff’s mon.
[Editors Note] Lee? Luu? How the hell do you pronounce that? Fuck it; I’m calling him Anthony.
“I’m Barbara, and I would like to invite you to Percy’s party,” said Geoff’s neighbor
“You don’t even know us. And we’re like twice His age.” protested Anthoney
[Editors Note] This makes no sense but we have to move the plot of the story along, so there both Anthoney and Geoff are forced to go to the party.
The day after, Geoff and his brother Anthony were waiting at the bus stop for school, even though they had only moved in yesterday when some stereotypical bullies turned up.
“Hi, I’m Henry. This is Liam, and this is Kevin. Give us your money.”
“No!” yelled Geoff and Anthoney in unison.
“Fine, we get to do this the fun way,” shouted Liam as he ran at Geoff.
While Kevin and Henry watched patiently (For no apparent no reason)
Geoff grabbed his knife and stabbed him [Liam] in the arm, making him fall over.
Precisely the same happened with Kevin because he’s an idiot.
Henry “Rushd” at him, but he was easily defeated too.
“Geoff, how’d you?” muttered Anthoney
“Oh shit!” yelled Geoff as the bus was arriving.
“Quick! Runaway! (Again for no apparent reason other than to advance the “Plot,” and I use that word lightly.)
“Wow. Good thing we managed to run all the way to school without being late.” Said Tony.
When Anthony and Geoff arrived back home, after the school decided to ignore the fight completely, two idiotic police officers were waiting.
They didn’t bother introducing themselves, so just explained. “Apparently, some kids were beaten up and stabbed by you two we’re going to completely ignore the fact that they were bullies that had their fingerprints on there the knife.” Said, officer Butterman.
“Yeah, and we’re not going to take you to the station for an interview, we’re just going to have to arrest you now. You’ll get a year in jail with no trail and very little evidence,” Said, officer Angel.
Anthony pulled out the knife.
Angel and Butterman pulled their guns on him.
“Did you just pull a gun on a twelve-year-old? Wow, you’re incompetent.”
“Officer, I’m confessing. It was me,” said Anthoney
“What? Why the fuck would you confess to something you didn’t do?” Geoff whispered to Anthoney
“Well, that was easy, Nick.” Said Butterman.
Tony was lead into the police car and was driven off.
“Son, son, what’s that matter?” Asked Peter.
“Gee, I don’t fucking know, could it be the fact my brother was just arrested for a crime he didn’t commit?”
“Fair enough,” replied Peter
[Editors Note] Peter is Geoffs dad in case you forgot. We certainly did.
It was the party the day after, and Percy’s parents were probably regretting inviting random strangers to their party, as one turned out to be a convicted criminal.
Because Geoff’s parents are horrible people, they not only didn’t give a shit when their son was arrested, they forced their son to attend a birthday party of a complete stranger.
Geoff arrived at the party. “Who the hell are you?” said Percy.
“Geoff. You?” replied Geoff
“Percy. My parents go around inviting completely random people to my party, including criminals. Did you bring a present?” Percy inquired.
“Oh shit, no…” snorted Geoff
“Well, fair enough, you don’t know me. At least you’re nicer than those bullies over there. I told you, my parents, just invite random people to my party.” Said, Percy
Geoff saw the bullies.
“Hello, Geoffrey. I believe we have unfinished business,” said Henry.
“Shouldn’t you be in the hospital? You were all stabbed.” Geoff asked.
“Nope, and now we’re going to murder you in public with about 20 witnesses.” Liam and Kevin got out there pistols.
[Editors Note] What? How the hell could two fourteen-year-olds get guns? I Thought this story was named “Geoff the killer,” not “Henry, Liam, and Kevin, the killers.” Seriously, I would love to know what mental illness you have if you’re prepared to murder a fourteen-year-old you met yesterday.
Henry and Geoff got in a fight, while Kevin and Liam stood around. Then something inside, Geoff snapped. His arm.
(Because fighting bullies for two days will not make you go insane, that makes no sense. Then the story changed to present tense for no reason)
Geoff throws Henry through a window, and Kevin and Liam shoot at him while the adults do nothing to stop them.
Geoff runs upstairs, and Liam and Kevin miss every single shot.
(Seriously, a blind stormtrooper could shoot better than that)
Geoff runs into the bathroom instead of just running out the front door.
Liam and Geoff get in a fight, and some bleach, that doesn’t have a lid on it even in a house with kids in it, falls on them.
Kevin’s punched in the face and falls down.
Then Liam throws his lighter at Geoff. “Arrgh!” “Ha-ha! Oh wait, I didn’t think this through…” the fire reaches Liam, killing him.
Geoff woke up in the hospital. His family had gathered around the bed. “Good news, Tony has been released because he attacked first in a completely different crime that should really just end with the three bullies being thrown in jail as well.
Well, two, one managed to burn himself up, the Twat.”
Then the nurse Began dramatically taking the bandages off his face.
“Gasp!” said Geoff’s mum. The fire horribly burned Geoff.
Geoff looked in the mirror. “Meh.” “Well, now we’re going to release you without interviewing you for the police investigation, and without a psychosis evaluation.
You should be healed in a few months, so if you’re planning as going as the joker for Halloween, then you’ll be disappointed.” Said Emma, the nurse.
Geoff’s mum woke to a strange sound coming from the bathroom that night. She got up and investigated.
“Geoff?” she yelled.
Geoff had blood down his face.
“I was cleaning my teeth, and I slipped and cut myself on a razor… I should be Ok,” said Geoff.
“Shit, Honey, get the gun!” Yelled Margaret to Peter.
“OUR SON CUT HIMSELF, WE HAVE TO MURDER HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“WHAT? SHIT, I’LL KILL HIM!” yelled Peter.
Geoff’s dad shot at Geoff, but and missed. (Apparently, he has shit aim.)
“What the hell?” said Geoff.
He threw the razor at his dad, and it cut his arm. He woke Tony up, and they quickly ran downstairs, called the police, and they arrived shortly.
Butterman and Angel arrived and arrested the parents for attempted murder.
No-one ever wrote shitty fan fiction about him involving simply substituting the name Jeff for a different one, like Brian the killer or Ben the killer or Yancy the killer or shit like that.
Wait, now the newspaper from the start doesn’t make any sense. A wizard did it. The plot hole solved.
[Insert “Scary” picture here]
Peter was in jail. Then he noticed movement.
“Hey, who goes there?” inquired Peter.
A nine-year-old kid stepped out.
“You know, “Who Goes There?”
“Had a guy called Macready in it.”
“Oh, forget it.”
“Your recent killing antics have gained some attention from the KTK foundation.”
“Kill the killer’s foundation. You have recently been confirmed as a Killer. While you didn’t kill anyone, you showed very apparent signs of killing people with no motive, just to be “Scary.” We cannot let that happen. A hitman named Commando has been sent to terminate you.”
“Well, who or where is Commando?”
The child drew a pistol from its holster and pointed it a Peter.
Meanwhile in Margaret’s cell…
A man with a hook hand burst through the prison cell!
“Blah blah blah, Commando just told you, here to kill you, I’m man hook hand door car door.” And MHHDCD, or Fred to his mates, cut Margaret up with his hook hand.
“Another shitty story averted,” thought Commando on his weird tricycle (He is only 9). He looked at the list of killers. KTK-055 (Named for being so boring and forgettable no one could even remember who it was) and KTK-076 (Named for being Able to bore you to death) were dead.
He skimmed through a few of them, like KTK- 63, a golden castle on the moon. KTK- 121, a guy named Harry who was purple and screamed, “SMILE DOG!”
KTK-83, some weird puddle monster that was killed by the cast of John Carpenter’s The Thing. KTK-002, the abomination that is Slender Twilight.
He scrolled up to KTK-001, the worst one of all.
Jeff the Killer.
As he began to read Jeff’s story, he was bored, it made no sense.
It was so boring, it made him
GO TO SLEEP.
Credit To – Bravo 104/Ben
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